Thursday, August 16, 2012

Why Neil is Safe From Me


I never, never, never want to meet Neil deGrasse Tyson.
"But why?" comes the stunned cry from the Internet. "He's so smart and funny! He loves science in a way that makes other people love it too! He won gold medals in dancing contests! He's got an adorable daughter and georgous wife! He's a fine wine conniseur! HOW COULD YOU NOT WANT TO MEET HIM??"

Well, I agree, those all make it sound like I'd be one dumb bunny not to put "Meet NDT " on my bucket list, right alongside "Adopt a thousand corgis" and "sing with Connie Willis in St. Paul's Cathedral."

 Neil loves to hear you talk. Honest.

But alas for my dreams, I know myself. And I know at least one of the following three things would occur:

1) Upon meeting the subject in question, I would promptly begin to gabble like a mentally deficient turkey rolling on a combo of Ecstacy, Vallium, and Adderall. The drooling, the babbling, the inane smiling...I'm sure the crack security team Mr. Tyson keeps on hand to deal with such effluvia would seize my idiot self and drag me off before I even got close.

2) Upon meeting the subject in question,  I would instantly, and insistently, propose marriage. When informed that that both he and I are a) already happily married and b) perfect strangers to each other, I would shriek "YOUR REALITY HAS NO BEARING ON MY MISSION!!!!"  and fling my arms about his neck in my patented barnacle/python impression, whereupon the aforesaid security would have to taser me. Also, I'm pretty sure my husband would divorce me once that shit hit YouTube.

3) Upon meeting the subject in question, if I happened to be in a foul mood that even MTSIQ could not rectify, I might slap him in the face, howling "Pluto is a PLANET, you sonofabitch!!!" then run off sobbing, leading the crack security team quite a merry chase.

Seriously, Neil, I love you. But look what you did.

So that's why I'm glad I will never meet Neil deGrasse Tyson.

I'll just love him from afar....




  1. Hmph.

    I know what this is.

    This is just a bunch of Julie Newmar backlash, ISN'T IT!?